


All monsters are human

by ColorfulStabwound



Series: The chronicles of Teddy and James [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Altered Mental States, Dark James, Denial, Godric's Hollow, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Obsession, Psycho James, Sorry Albus, St. Mungos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:58:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3760639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulStabwound/pseuds/ColorfulStabwound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teddy has always belonged to James, everyone knows that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All monsters are human

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Colors and Trickery](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2469101) by [unkissed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkissed/pseuds/unkissed). 



> Psycho!James was born out of the short drabble 'Guns Out' that can be found in the "Drabble Challenge" series. 
> 
> Certain dialogue and situations have been borrowed from 'Guns Out' as well as 'Colors and Trickery' in the 'Color of Deception' series by Unkissed
> 
> Endless adoration and love for my friend and muse in all things, Unkissed. Without you, Psycho!J is just a drabble, baby. ;)

_“Go deeper, tell me what you see.”_

_“It’s dark, but I can hear her.”_

_“Who can you hear?”_

_“My mother, she’s crying.”_

_“How does that make you feel?”_

_“Alone.”_

_Psychopaths are not made they are born..._

 

It was a snowy winter morning the day that James Sirius Potter came into the world. His mother would often joke that before he was even born he was stirring up trouble—A trait that never left him throughout his life. 

 

Harry and Ginevra Potter were young when they married, and although some might say that they were merely children themselves, none could disagree that they were destined for one another. At the time of James’ conception, his mother was a rising star for the Hollyhead Harpies, a career that would be cut short by motherhood never to be revisited. James’ father, Harry, was considered a savior by most and had been steadily climbing the ladder as a high-profile Auror.

 

Ginny’s pregnancy had been anything but easy. Often she found herself bed-ridden at the hands of her unborn child and the suggestion of her healers, which left her with very few options for entertainment and an endless supply of frustration. She was a stubborn woman and still nursing the loss of her career, both of which got her into more than her share of trouble during the pregnancy. Her mother would often stay for days at a time at home with her just to ensure that she remained off her feet and out of said trouble, tending to her and fussing over the nursery, which did very little to soothe Ginny.  She didn’t want to have her life turned upside down because of a child. Of course she loved Harry and was happy to finally have their lives falling into place, but at the same time she was resentful of her unborn child. There was a small, locked away part of Ginny Weasley that wished she had never gotten pregnant at all and it was a dark secret she would take to her grave. 

 

As weeks progressed into months Ginny grew despondent and would often snap at those around her, unprovoked. Consumed by antepartum depression that was written off as imbalanced hormones, Ginny had lost interest in everything that she once found enjoyable. By the time Christmas holidays came around she felt like a prisoner in her own home and spent a majority of the day crying in bed. For his part, Harry did everything he could to pacify his wife. He may have been clueless, but he hated seeing her so miserable and hoped that once their child arrived, the woman that he loved and married would return. 

 

Ginny woke Harry at 3:23am on the 26th of December and for the first time in months she looked relieved. Harry blinked and rubbed his eyes before reaching for his glasses on the bedside table so he could properly see her in the fading darkness, and when she told him it was time he immediately scrambled out of bed to escort her to St Mungo’s.

 

James was born screaming at the top of his tiny lungs at exactly 5:05am, much to the delight of his parents. The first time that Ginny Weasley held her son she was absolutely terrified of him. How could she face the child that she had resented for nine entire months? What could she say to this tiny life that could possibly make up for her lack of motherly love? Could he have sensed all of the terrible things she thought about her child before it was born? As it turns out, Ginny’s fears were unwarranted. Every insecurity warring within her quickly melted away the moment that she held her son in her arms for the first time, and it was at that precise moment that she silently vowed to never let him feel anything less than loved, ever again.

 

∞

 

“James Sirius you get down from there, right now!” Ginny’s voice carried loudly throughout the house as she moved towards the kitchen to retrieve her son from the center of the table. This was not a rare occurrence in the Potter household; on the contrary, it seemed that James was _always_ getting himself into some sort of trouble.  Her mother would often joke that she had been just as precocious as a child and that this was her payback. Ginny was never as amused by this notion as her mother clearly seemed to be.

 

“I’ve got him Auntie Gin’, don’t worry.” Teddy had appeared in the kitchen moments before she had and was already scooping James up and placing him back on the ground with a bashful smile. “Thank you Teddy.” Ginny managed a weary smile at the older boy and re-routed to the coffee pot instead. “I’ll keep him busy for a while.” Teddy added with a smile as he took James’ small hand and led him out of the kitchen. When they had both gone Ginny took a deep breath and closed her eyes and silently thanked the gods for her husband’s godson.

 

Life with James was never a dull moment, anyone that knew him would certainly agree. His parents often said that he hit the ground running and had not stopped since. In just three short years James had managed to get himself into more perilous situations than any toddler should be capable of and although his parents loved him unconditionally, they were dreading the years that were still to come. 

 

Ginny stepped out onto the back porch with her coffee and took a seat, watching the two boys play in the yard. Teddy was attempting to play catch with James, although James was not quite fond of the concept of giving up the brightly colored ball once he got his hands on it. Teddy resorted to changing his hair color to match the shades of the ball to distract James, which she was surprised to see, worked rather well.  Ginny smiled to herself as she watched them play and for those few moments of peace, she was content with her life and where it was headed.

 

Teddy had been completely enamored with James from the moment they had brought him home. The very first time he looked down at the sleeping bundle of pink skin he made a promise that he would always do everything he could to protect James, and although he knew that technically, James was not his brother, it didn’t change the way he felt about the other boy or his desire to look after him. When James took his first steps, it was Teddy who was right there, making sure he didn’t fall down and hurt himself on the furniture. One of James’ first words had been “Tee,” closely followed by “no” and “mine.” There was nothing in the world that Teddy wouldn’t do for James, and as they got older, that knowledge was something that the younger boy often used to his advantage.

 

When James was four he talked Teddy into being his lookout while he relieved the cookie jar of all its contents, and when James was five, Teddy pretended not to notice when James attempted to package up his sister to send her away in the post. As the boys got older they were quite literally inseparable. Teddy would pout when he had to return home to Andromeda’s and James would throw an all out fit, which generally earned him his way.

 

The day that Teddy left for Hogwarts was a dark day in the Potter household.  Both Ginny and Harry knew that Teddy’s absence would be hard on their son, but they had not been prepared for just _how_ badly it would affect him.  For an entire week following Teddy’s departure James was completely unruly. When he wasn’t sulking beneath the kitchen table or trying to run away into the moors he was torturing his siblings to the point of being cruel, and although his parents sympathized with him, they knew that something had to be done.  Punishment of any kind rarely worked on James and after a particularly trying afternoon at home with the kids, Ginny lost her temper for the first time in a very long time.

 

James had taken a pair of scissors to Albus’ hair while she was feeding Lily, which he thought was terribly amusing. “Mummy look, Albie’s a sick porcupine.” Ginny froze at her son’s words and her stomach sank to her feet as she scooped up Lily and scrambled out of her seat.  James skipped after her as she quickly made her way to the sitting room and when she gasped in shock at the sight of Albus sitting in the middle of a pile of raven hair, James giggled deviously. “I made him better, see?” James pushed his chin out proudly and smiled sweetly up at his mother, whose face was quickly flushing scarlet.  “James Sirius Potter, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

  
Ginny hadn’t meant to yell as loudly as she did, although it didn’t seem to upset James one bit, judging by his increased laughter. Albus pinched a tuft of hair between his fingertips and held it up for his mother to see; completely unaware that he was quite literally bald in several places thanks to his brother.  “He’s a porcupine now, guess he should go live outside.” James nodded proudly between giggles and when Lily started to cry, Ginny let out an exasperated huff. “Up to your room, young man. MARCH!” Without thinking Ginny grabbed her son’s arm and all but drug him up the stairs to his bedroom.  James’ laughter quickly turned to kicking and screaming when he realized that his mother was not amused with his handiwork and when she forced him to sit down on his bed he quickly scrambled to the far side of it and flattened himself against the wall, out of her reach.  Ginny pointed a shaking finger at James and her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. “Stay.” Was all that she said and her tone was so cold that James flinched. After that she left him alone in his room, carting the still-screaming Lily back downstairs to deal with Albus. James pressed his back up against the wall and hugged his knees and fought very hard not to cry. He couldn’t understand why his mother was so angry; he’d only been having some fun with dumb, boring Albus, what was the big deal?

 

After a while Lily stopped crying and the house was silent. James didn’t know what was happening downstairs and began to wonder if his mother had taken his brother and sister and left, just like Teddy had. He was scared and angry and far too young to know how to deal with the separation. Eventually he drifted off to sleep and dreamt that he was surrounded by white walls that were as bright as the sunlight.

 

“James?” Ginny was much more collected when she quietly opened the door to her son’s room again and peered inside. The sight of her little boy curled up in the corner of his bed made her heart ache and she felt infinitely guilty for having been so harsh with him earlier in the day.

 

She stepped into the room and sat down on the edge of his bed, reaching out to rub his back gently. “I’m so sorry, baby.” Ginny’s voice cracked with the weight of her regret and when James stirred beneath her touch she blinked back her tears and smiled warmly at him.  “You miss Teddy, don’t you?” Instead of answering her out loud he merely shook his head, and the broken expression on his tiny face set a whole new set of tears brimming to the corners of her eyes. “Mummy is very sorry she shouted, can you forgive me?” She watched as James seemed to contemplate this and she couldn’t help but smile at how very astute her son was for his age.   When James crawled into her lap and hugged her tight, tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and ran down her cheeks into his mop of chestnut hair. They sat just like that for a long time and once again Ginny made a silent vow to her son; to never allow him or her other children to be on the receiving end of her temper ever again. 

 

“I’ve got an idea, why don’t we write Teddy a letter, hmm? I bet he would like that.”

 

James’ head instantly popped up at her suggestion. “Yes mummy, yes!” James smiled brightly up at her and all of the anger and hurt he had felt suddenly disappeared.  Ginny laughed and hugged him and then together, they pulled out some paper and crayons to write their letter.  “The blue one mummy, it has to be the blue one!” James’ tiny fingers closed around the blue crayon and he held it against his chest protectively. Blue was his favorite color because it reminded him of Teddy, and every year following that Teddy was away at Hogwarts, James would send him a letter written with that little blue crayon that he revered above all the other ones.

 

This instance would set the tone for the following years that Teddy was to leave for Hogwarts. Harry and Ginny had come to expect that James would be at his very worst the first few weeks after Teddy’s departure, and prepared for it accordingly.  All sharp objects were subsequently hidden away in magically locked drawers after this day, and the worst of his tantrums were always curbed with a promise of a letter to send to Teddy.

 

As James got older, the ways in which he dealt with Teddy’s absence mellowed, or at least his parents seemed to think so. What they didn’t know is that James’ insides would hollow out every time he watched Teddy board the Hogwart’s Express and leave him for another year. James didn’t just _miss_ Teddy when he was gone he _ached_ for him, a feeling that began to extend to other instances as the boys aged. From a very early age he knew that he couldn’t live without Teddy and that feeling was only exacerbated with each passing year. The world was simply not interesting without Teddy around to share it with and James began counting down the days until he could finally board that train beside his god brother and they would never be forced to be apart again.

 

James was eleven years old when his dreams finally became a reality and he boarded the Hogwart’s Express alongside Teddy. Of course, this was Teddy’s last year at the school. He already had six years to adjust to life without James, and although he was happy and excited to share his final year with his god brother, James couldn’t help but wonder if things would ever be like they used to be back at Godric’s Hollow.

 

It was no surprise at all when James sorted Gryffindor, and as he hopped off the stool and headed for his newly appointed house table, his eyes scanned the Ravenclaw table for Teddy’s smiling face. James was naturally charismatic and charming and had no trouble at all acclimating to life at Hogwarts. Sometimes Teddy caught himself watching James a little too closely like they were children again and he would blush and look away. He knew that James wasn’t that precocious little toddler that needed his protection anymore, but he couldn’t help it. He had made a promise to James the first time he saw him and no matter how much time passed, he would always look after the younger boy in one way or another. 

 

By the time Christmas holidays came around James was excited to return to Godric’s hollow with Teddy.  At home James didn’t have to fight for Teddy’s attention nearly as much he did at school. There were no friends to divide his time between and no pressing schoolwork that required immediate action. He essentially had Teddy all to himself, aside from required family interactions, and he had never been happier.

 

“You’ll come visit me still when you go to University, wont you?” James glanced sidelong at Teddy who was sitting beside him with his back against a massive English oak, his expression not giving away half of the apprehension that he felt.

 

“Of course I will I’d miss you guys too much.” Teddy responded with a warm smile that was a stark contrast to the chilly air that surrounded them. His brows drew together when he saw James bite down on his bottom lip; a gesture he knew meant James was on the verge of arguing a point.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure Albie and Lils will miss you too.” James’ gaze dropped to the hem of his jumper and he picked at a stray thread, suddenly unable to look Teddy in the eyes. James didn’t want to hear about how much Teddy would miss his siblings and he certainly didn’t actually care if Albus and Lily missed Teddy. Teddy was _his_ , every body knew that, and what he wanted most was for Teddy to tell him how much _he_ would be missed.

 

“Yeah, and I’ll miss them too, but I’ll miss you the most, you know that don’t you, Jamie?” Teddy nudged James playfully with his elbow and grinned as the other boy’s head snapped up.  “Do you mean it Teddy?” James leaned closer to Teddy and smiled hopefully, momentarily dropping the mask that all of his insecurities hid behind.  “Of course I do.” Teddy smiled brightly at James and ruffled his hair for just a moment before James swatted him away.

 

∞

 

“You have a lot of books, you know that?” James was standing in the middle of Teddy’s room at his Gran’s house, begrudgingly helping him pack. It had only been three weeks since Teddy had completed his seventh year at Hogwarts and he was already packing to head off to Oxford. James had known this was coming for months now, but it certainly didn’t make it any easier to accept.

 

“I like to read.” Teddy grinned and shrugged a shoulder as if this was explanation enough and James just snorted and shook his head as he dropped another book into the box at his feet.

 

Teddy could tell that James was trying to hide how upset he was about him leaving, and although he understood the way that James felt to an extent, he hoped that in time, James would come to understand that everything that happened was part of life and growing up.

 

“Reading is for old people, Teddy.” James plucked another book off of the shelf as he poked his tongue out at Teddy and they shared a laugh that did very little to make James feel better.

 

“No it’s not, which you would know if you actually _did_ your school work.” Teddy nodded pointedly at James, which earned him an eye roll.

“My professors love me, I don’t _have_ to do my work.” James smirked smugly and dropped another book in the box, which made Teddy inwardly cringe. 

 

“Don’t let your mum hear you saying things like that.”

 

“My mum already knows I’m going to play Quidditch. Boring school work not required.”

 

Teddy couldn’t help but laugh at James’ cheek, which only egged the younger boy on further.  “When I’m a famous Quidditch star I’ll come visit you in the old folks home, don’t worry.” James grinned and tossed the book in his hand at Teddy, who caught it with a surprised yelp.

 

By the time the day was done James and Teddy had successfully managed to pack up most of the contents of his small room at Andromeda’s. Of course, the accomplishment was bittersweet, considering the looming separation that it signified. When Teddy left Godric’s hollow the following morning he promised James that nothing would change between them and that they would always find their way back to one another. “Write me,” Teddy called from an open window of the train, and James could only frown and wonder why all of the train cars where white.

 

James would never forget that promise.

 

∞

 

Like before, James was noticeably different when Teddy left. Although he was no longer the tantrum-throwing toddler of his past, he was still affected by the separation. When he wasn’t thinking about Teddy he was writing letters to Teddy in Oxford, and anytime his friends or family asked him if he was all right he would smile and say he was perfectly fine, all the while counting down the days, weeks and months until Teddy would return again.

 

In James’ second year at Hogwart’s he joined the Gryffindor Quidditch team, just as everyone expected he would, and of course he was a natural in the air. The team captain had all the new players try their hand at ever position to get a feel for them and it had taken James only a moment of playing chaser to know that it would be his chosen position. Before the school year was done and over with James would become one of the most envied and adored second years Hogwarts had seen in a very long time and he would quickly learn to use that position to his advantage.

 

By the time James was thirteen he was little more than a shell of the wild-eyed little boy of his past, although there were very few people that would ever realize that startling fact. The one thing in his life that had remained a constant was his weekly letters to Teddy in Oxford. Of course, over the years, Teddy’s replies had grown shorter and far more vague, but James knew that Teddy would never break his promise.

 

That all changed when he found Teddy kissing Victoire between two train cars at King’s Cross Station.

 

When Teddy started dating James’ cousin Victoire, he decided that he hated her, without really understanding why. James had always gotten along with his extended family members but all of that changed when Victoire took Teddy away from him. He could hardly stand the way that Teddy looked at Victoire or the way he seemed to hang on her every word and jumped to fulfill her requests. James had never been forced to share Teddy so blatantly in his own home, and Christmas holiday was unbearable for the first time in his life.

 

 

James was fourteen years old when everything shifted yet again.  It was somehow fitting that it was once again King’s Cross where he witnessed an argument between Teddy and Victoire. They had moved far enough down the platform that their families could not overhear them, although that hadn’t stopped James from following them, unseen. 

 

“How could you do this to me, have you no shame at all?” Victoire was on the verge of tears and her voice raised an octave, which Teddy shrank away from.

 

“I’m sorry Victoire, I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please forgive me.” Teddy sounded like he was in pain, which hurt James more than he could have realized. He had no idea what they were arguing about, but suddenly he wanted nothing more than to avenge Teddy’s sadness and shove his cousin onto the train tracks.

 

“We’re finished.” It was these two little words, uttered by Victoire on a station platform that slowly had the corners of his mouth curving into a satisfied smile.  All of the anger and resentment that James had felt towards Victoire instantly began to fade, and not even Teddy’s remorse-ridden face could change that.

 

Teddy would be fine without Victoire. In fact, James was fairly certain that he was better off without her, and if he couldn’t see that for himself, well, it would have to be up to him to cheer his god brother up.

 

When Teddy didn’t turn up at dinner James took it as a personal offense, despite what he had witnessed at the train station. James wanted to see Teddy and he also wanted to know the whole story, which is how he ended up on Andromeda’s doorstep sometime after dinner.

 

“Teddy? We missed you at dinner.” James announced his arrival in precisely this way and he didn’t think twice about plopping down on the bed beside Teddy.

 

 

“Sorry Jamie, I just wasn’t feeling up to it.” Teddy’s face was buried in his pillow and his voice was muffled, which didn’t faze James in the slightest.

 

“Because of Victoire, you mean?”

 

Teddy lifted his head and peered at James, who was clearly waiting for his answer.  “How’d you know about that?” He said, raising a curious brow.

 

James shrugged a shoulder and smirked, “you know me,” was his only response.

 

Teddy shook his head and could not resist a small laugh. Of course he knew James better than most, and it did not surprise him one bit. “Sneaky little bugger.” Teddy muttered, mostly amused.

 

For several moments the topic hung there, unspoken and they sat in silence.  It was James who finally spoke up, which also did not surprise Teddy. “So what happened?” There was not a hint of mischief in his voice when he asked because he was genuinely concerned.  “Ah. Well, I did something terrible to Victoire and now I am to pay the price. My own fault, really.” It was clear to James that Teddy was keeping his explanation vague on purpose, which he didn’t find nearly as endearing as he did annoying.

 

“Obviously you did something terrible, I’m not blind you know. But _what_ was it? What did you do to her Teddy?”

 

Teddy held James’ gaze for a long time but said nothing. He wasn’t entirely sure that this was a conversation he should be having with his god brother, but he also knew that James was not one to take no for an answer.  After another extended moment Teddy sighed heavily and resolved to tell James what he wanted to know. “I cheated on her Jamie, she has ever reason to hate me.” Teddy’s gaze dropped to his lap when he spoke because he couldn’t bear to look James in the eyes.

 

For as long as he’d known Jamie, the younger boy had always looked up to him to the point of worship and although Teddy might never be able to admit it, he liked the attention. Over the years Teddy had grown accustomed to the hero-worship that came along with having James as a younger brother and it pained him to admit his faults to the other boy now, even if they had nothing to do with James at all.

 

Whatever James had been expecting to hear, that was certainly not it. His eyes widened for a brief moment as Teddy spoke and then he fell silent because his throat was suddenly very dry. He ignored the frantic beating of his own heart and instead tried to focus on Teddy’s face. James had felt a sense of relief when he witnessed the breakup between Teddy and Victoire, but now, he was once again being eaten alive by anxiety. James didn’t yet understand that the stinging pain inside of him was _his_ way of dealing with the harsh realization that he was yet again, sharing Teddy with someone else.

 

Each moment that ticked past felt like a vice that was slowly being tightened around his neck that he was powerless to stop. James still had so many questions and the defeated look in Teddy’s eyes wasn’t nearly enough to curb his need to _know,_ but he wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed without revealing all of his unspoken anxieties to the other boy.

 

He swallowed thickly and experimentally cleared his throat, unsure of what to say. “With who?” was the only thing that came to mind and he mentally braced himself and hoped to the fates that it wasn’t another family member.

 

“It doesn’t matter, what matters is the way I’ve behaved. Victoire was right to do what she did, she deserves much better than me.” Teddy said, lowering his eyes and hanging his head.

 

James was instantly awash with the desire to comfort Teddy and let him know that everything would be all right. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” He offered, reaching out to pat Teddy’s shoulder a bit awkwardly.

 

Teddy lifted his head to look at James and he while he was grateful for his presence, he could not help but think that this was something that James was too young to understand.  “It _is_ that bad, James.” Teddy’s said, with a voice so low it could have almost been unheard.

 

James stared directly at Teddy for an extended moment with his hand still resting on his shoulder. There were so many thoughts and emotions swirling around inside of him that he didn’t know which path to take first. His need to know was battling with his need to comfort Teddy and in the end he simply offered a smile. 

 

“People make mistakes Teddy, that doesn’t make you a bad person.”

 

Teddy nodded and even managed a little smile, which encouraged James to continue.

 

“I mean, look at Albus. He’s like a walking mistake and people still like him. You’re way more likable than he is.” James’ smile quickly turned into a devilish grin and when he winked, Teddy couldn’t help but laugh.

 

Maybe James was right. Teddy considered the younger boy’s words for a moment and then he began to wonder how James had grown up so much without him realizing it. It seemed like only yesterday that James was jumping on his back and trying to ride him like a horse and now here that little boy was, far more grown up and comforting him when he needed it most.

 

 

 “When did you get so smart, huh?” Teddy asked, smile softening.

 

“I was born that way.” James shrugged a shoulder as if this fact should be common knowledge and then they shared another laugh. Together.

 

∞

 

 

It was the day after James’ fifteenth birthday when he found Teddy in the garden. He had been thinking about Teddy pretty much nonstop since their talk. A large part of him had known that how he felt about his god brother extended far beyond best mates for a very long time, but it wasn’t until James had discovered that Teddy’s _liaison_ had been with a male Professor, that he realized he had to tell Teddy. It was as if Teddy had unwittingly opened a door for James, and there wasn’t any part of him that considered that Teddy would not feel the same way.

 

“Can we talk?” James could almost look Teddy in the eyes now and even though his face was half masked with shadows, Teddy could tell by his expression that it was important.

 

“Of course we can, what’s up?” Teddy offered him a smile and then fell silent, waiting for James to continue.

 

James froze and his insides felt like they had all liquefied at once. He wanted so desperately to share this side of himself with Teddy but at the same time, he was terrified of rejection.

 

“I love you.” James was staring directly at Teddy when he spoke and there wasn’t even the slightest hint of mischief in his expression because he wanted Teddy to understand.

 

Teddy laughed nervously under his breath and smiled and somewhere in the back of his mind, and alarm was going off that he told himself was false. “I love you too Jamie, you know that.”

 

James huffed and shook his head because Teddy didn’t get it yet. “No, I mean I **love** you, Teddy.” He reached out and took Teddy’s hand in his own, lacing their fingers together without looking away. 

 

Teddy’s blood was like ice in his veins as he stood there, staring at James with disbelief written all over his face. Surely James was just pulling one over on him.  “James, we’re practically brothers, you don’t mean that.” Teddy shook his head and when he tried to unlace their fingers, James held on tighter.

 

“I’ve always loved you Teddy,” James said, smiling proudly. “You’re mine, everybody knows that and now I know it too.”

 

Suddenly Teddy felt very cold, as if all of the warmth within him had been sucked out somehow. A small part of him had always known that James’ protectiveness over him often overstepped the boundaries of their relationship, but he had definitely _not_ seen this coming.

 

“I…Jamie, please stop this. You don’t mean any of this.” Teddy was shaking his head again and this time when he tried to pull away from James, James let his hand go.

 

James was in shock. His ears were ringing and his heart was in his throat. Goosebumps cropped up all over his skin and he felt mildly sick and the _look_ in Teddy’s eyes was slowly killing him. He had been playing and replaying this moment over and over in his head for days and never once had it gone this badly before. James didn’t understand why Teddy wasn’t telling him what he wanted to hear when he had an overflowing abundance of memories that all made James believe otherwise.

 

Teddy, wiping away his tears when he hurt himself.

 

Teddy, curled up in his bed with him at night because he didn’t want to sleep alone.

 

Teddy, promising him that they would always find their way back to each other.

 

These were all glaring declarations of Teddy’s love in James’ mind and it angered and confused him that Teddy couldn’t see it.

 

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath, steadying himself before offering Teddy an understanding smile that appeared far more unfazed than he felt. “I do mean it, every word. I love you Teddy, and you can’t change that.”

 

Teddy stared at James like he was a complete stranger, not knowing that his reactions to this conversation would affect Jamie in irreparable ways. He didn’t know how to explain to his god brother that this was something that could never happen, at least not without hurting him deeply.  For a brief moment Teddy glimpsed the raw emotions that warred within James but in the blink of an eye they were gone again, carefully returned to their well-hidden home behind the mask that James wore. He didn’t know how to navigate this situation in a way that wouldn’t hurt them both and for the first time in their entire lives, the awkwardness of the situation was startlingly real.

 

He sighed softly and glanced over his shoulder towards the house to ensure that they were still alone before offering James a tentative smile. “Jamie look, I am flattered that you feel the way that you do, but you have to understand that this cannot happen. I am far too old for you and not nearly good enough, not to mention the fact that your parents have been good to me. I couldn’t do this to them even if I wanted to.” Teddy watched as the light behind James’ eyes dimmed just a little bit and he felt terrible. The guilt attached to this moment was far worse than anything he’d done in his life to date, and the fucked up part of it all was that it wasn’t even his own doing.

 

James was standing very still and not saying anything at all, which concerned Teddy. They had always been a huge part of each other’s lives and he hoped that this situation wouldn’t change that.

 

“You’re mine Teddy, and no one can change that.” James’ voice was low and smooth and it sent an involuntary shiver straight through Teddy. This should have been the moment that Teddy’s concern for the situation turned into concern for his god brother, but he failed to recognize that.

 

Before Teddy could say anything else James had side stepped him and was walking away into the darkness. Teddy watched him disappear into the consuming shadows of the moors and only then did he let out the breath that he’d been holding. He felt coldness clear down to his bones that had nothing to do with the season, and it scared him. By the time he had collected his thoughts and returned to the house there was no sign of James, which he figured was probably for the best. He told himself that James was fifteen and hardly a child in need of protecting and when he left the Potter house to head back to his gran’s, he knew that his worry had nothing at all to do with the dangers of the moors.

 

∞

 

After holiday James returned to Hogwarts and Teddy returned to Oxford and it was impossible to say which one of them was in worse shape. Each day that passed by, Teddy would glance nervously at his window because he expected to see James’ owl perched on the sill, watching and waiting. He felt like he was drowning in his studies and although he did his best to push all thoughts of James to the back of his mind, he often failed.

 

For his part, James appeared unaffected by the entire situation. He returned to Hogwarts as the same popular, quick-tongued teen that he had always managed to portray and no one at all could have guessed that there was anything wrong.  James had learned how to conceal his emotions and appear _normal_ a long time ago, and it seemed that he only got better at it with age. When he was alone, really alone, is when he let himself be free.

 

It had been Uncle George who had gifted him with the Marauder’s map in his second year, and James had been using it and guarding it with his life every since. The map was an invaluable and enlightening tool for James because it made it very easy for him to locate vacant spaces when he needed to be alone. He spent the rest of his sixth year seeking out quiet places to vent his anger and practice reeling it in. It had started like it often did when James didn’t get his way. He would pout and wallow in the situation and wonder why the world was against him, but as he got older even these moments began to shift. When shouting and crying no longer worked for him he turned to blunt force expulsions of anger, often on inanimate objects that couldn’t fight back and on occasion, even himself. Sometimes he would carry on conversations with Teddy in his head that bled out into the external world, which was why the need for privacy was necessity.

 

During the day James was the perfect façade of the boy everyone wanted to be and when the world around him slept he would morph into the boy that no one knew existed. James had no idea why he was the way he was or how he had gotten that way, but he knew that it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t see that the things he felt were wrong because they didn’t _feel_ wrong. Teddy couldn’t understand that what James said was true, but he would…in time.

                                                                      ∞

 

Teddy graduated Oxford and came to work at Hogwarts for James’ seventh year, and James just knew that it was a sign.  Teddy was coming back to him at last.

 

After the sorting the Headmaster introduced their new Transfiguration professor and as James sat there, staring up at the staff table at his god brother, he knew that this year would be different. 

 

The first day of classes James strutted into the Transfiguration classroom like he was the king of the castle. Teddy had known that this moment was inevitable but it didn’t stop him from swallowing thickly at the sight of James, now his student.  Teddy knew James well enough to be fearful of how he might retaliate against him and it put him on edge for the entire class. He had never been on the receiving end of James’ cruel streak before and he wasn’t thrilled about the possibility of that becoming a reality. Teddy silently reminded himself that he was a grown up now. He was one of the youngest, accomplished professors the wizarding world had ever seen; there was no reason at all to feel so uncomfortable in his own classroom.

 

If James couldn’t behave in an acceptable manner then he would just have to deal with the consequences. Simple as that.

 

Nothing is ever that simple.

 

As it turns out, James surprised Teddy, yet again. Not only was there no practical jokes or smart remarks at his expense, James seemed, well, concerned. He had been bracing himself for this for weeks and now that it seemed to have been for nothing, Teddy was left doubting everything he thought he knew about James.

 

James had also been counting down the minutes until he would sit down in Teddy’s class for the first time, although his reasoning was very different. Teddy’s rejection did not change the way he felt about him. On the contrary, James had already forgiven Teddy and had come to realize that he only needed time to see that James was right. Where Teddy expected retaliation James gave him a respect, because he fully believed that Teddy would come to understand that James was more than a foolish child; at least one day.

 

After that first, tense class things slowly began to return to a sort of normal and life carried on. Within the first month Teddy found that being a teacher was much more time consuming than being a student and he was grateful for the endless amounts of work to distract him. Once he realized that he didn’t have to fear being around James, he took the time to watch him in his element and even Teddy couldn’t deny that James seemed genuinely happy. People had always loved James, and that only seemed to intensify, as he got older. There was rarely a moment when James didn’t have an audience and although Teddy was pleased to see that James seemed to have gotten over his misguided crush, a tiny part of him still longed for the attention.

 

As if on queue, there was a knock at Teddy’s office door and he glanced up just in time to see Jamie’s head peek around the now-opened door.

 

“Hey Teddy, I mean _Professor_.” James couldn’t help but inflect a bit of exaggeration into the title.

 

Teddy chuckled softly as James let himself into the office and he did not miss the way the corners of James’ mouth curled with a faint smirk as he spoke.

 

“Mr. Potter.” Teddy replied with a false sternness. 

 

James grinned and closed the door behind him before moving farther into the office. He felt happy and weightless like he always did when he was around Teddy and it pleased him to see Teddy’s expression was void of any guilt or anguish.

 

“How are you settling in then?” James dropped any pretense of carrying on the teacher/student vibe and sat himself down on the edge of Teddy’s desk.

 

“I’ll let you know when I actually have time to unpack.” Teddy folded his hands on the table in front of him and smiled.

 

“You still haven’t unpacked? Getting slow in your old age, huh?” James laughed light heartedly as his gaze moved around the barren office.

 

“Just busy, running a classroom is hard work.” Teddy glanced down to the stack of ungraded papers and sighed to himself before glancing back to James.

 

“You should let me help you sometime.” James responded casually, as if he didn’t really care either way.

 

“I couldn’t ask you to do that Jamie, I’m sure you’re busy enough with your own things.”

 

“You didn’t ask, I offered.”

 

“Still,”

 

Teddy averted his gaze and James grinned, pleased to see that Teddy was still the same selfless person he’d grown up loving.

 

“It’s not a big deal. I can help you grade papers or unpack, I don’t mind.”

 

“I dunno…”

 

“Just say ‘thank you Jamie’ and be done with it.”

 

Teddy couldn’t help but laugh under his breath and shake his head at Jamie’s words. He was glad that they were talking again because despite everything that had happened, he missed James.

 

“Thank you Jamie.”  Teddy said, still smiling.

 

“Good,” James nodded firmly before continuing. “Now why don’t you let me grade those quizzes for you, yeah? You look exhausted and I know how people _your_ age need their beauty sleep.” James hopped off the desk and merely shrugged an unapologetic shoulder when Teddy huffed indignantly. When Teddy stood up James took his seat and took up his quill. 

 

Teddy had no idea what had just transpired between them but he hoped that it wasn’t a dream. This was the most conversation they had had in a long time and he hoped it was only the beginning to repairing their bond.

 

Over the following month James did his very best to alleviate Teddy from the stress of his overwhelming job as much as possible. When he wasn’t grading papers for Teddy, he was reminding him to sleep or bringing him something to eat because he had skipped another meal. James was like the guardian angel that Teddy never knew he wanted and just when he thought that the younger boy couldn’t surprise him, he proved him wrong.  

 

Tonight James was unpacking the boxes of books that still sat in the private staff quarters beyond the small office, and although Teddy worried that it might be considered inappropriate for a student to be within his rooms, this wasn’t _just_ a student.

 

Teddy stifled a yawn with the back of his hand and pushed his chair away from his desk with a weary sigh. He had been grading papers for the better part of three hours and all he really wanted to do was collapse in his bed. The first thing he saw when he stepped into his rooms was James with his back to the doorway, carefully placing Teddy’s books on the shelves.  Teddy had requested no less than five times that they be alphabetized meticulously, and although James had assured him that he was up to the task, the obsessive-compulsive Ravenclaw inside of him was itching to triple check the shelves.

 

“I told you, I’ve got this and you can go do whatever else you need to.” James had heard Teddy come in and was already expecting to be checked up upon. He turned to face Teddy and placed a hand on his shoulder, nodding slowly for assurance. 

 

Instead of actually replying Teddy stifled another deep yawn, which settled things for James.  “You need to sleep. Go to bed—I’ll finish this up and let myself out when I’m done.” James gestured towards the bedroom beyond another door and then turned back to the bookshelf to continue his work.

  
Teddy stared at the back of James’ head for a long moment, finding it hard to believe that this was the same reckless kid he had grown up with. He found a sense of irony I the fact that the tables had now been completely turned over. No longer was Teddy the one taking care of James, now it was James taking care of Teddy, and despite the fact that he knew it wasn’t right, he smiled all the way to the bedroom. Perhaps if Teddy hadn’t been so sleep deprived he would have sent James on his way right then. James’ title as Head Boy afforded him the privilege of being out in the castle after curfew, but it certainly did not give him an excuse to be inside Teddy’s rooms.

 

It took him mere moments to drift off to sleep and the next time he woke, he was rather disorientated. It was still dark, that much was clear, and there was no mistaking the fact that he was not alone.  A pair of lips pressed a kiss into his forehead in the darkness and he sighed softly, unsure if this was a dream or reality.

 

“I didn’t mean to wake you, I just stopped in to say goodnight.” James’ voice was soft in the late hour and his breath was warm against Teddy’s cheek. He was still really only half awake, which is why he didn’t immediately realize that this was about to go very badly.

 

“I can’t thank you enough for all of your help.” Teddy’s voice was sleep-garbled and his eyes were squinting in the darkness to properly see James’ face. The sensation of having Jamie so close in slumber reminded him faintly of those long gone nights when they used to share a bed. Jamie would curl his small body against Teddy beneath the thick duvet and stay that way the entire night and Teddy wouldn’t mind because it was his job to care for James.

 

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” James’ voice called Teddy back to the present and he couldn’t help but chuckle breathily at the other boy’s cheek. Perhaps if he had been thinking a bit more clearly he would have realized that this was all the encouragement that Jamie needed and that he was playing a dangerous game.

 

James peered down at Teddy in the darkness for a long time, mapping and cataloging every angle and delicate crease with his eyes. He wondered if Teddy had finally seen what James knew to be true all along and as he reached up to brush the fringe out of Teddy’s eyes, he thought he saw his answer. Teddy wasn’t pushing him away or telling him this was wrong, Teddy loved him and that love was suddenly glaringly bright to James and it felt like a bouquet had bloomed inside his chest.

 

Teddy really should have seen what was coming next and if he was being honest with himself, he probably had. At least a little bit. When James leaned down over him and kissed him firmly on the mouth he completely froze. He was reluctant to push James away for fear of hurting him yet again, and he was also terrified to move, lest he encourage his god brother further. Teddy was a jumble of juxtaposed emotions and he felt as if his head might explode at any moment and so he lay there, immobilized with fear and dread. He knew it should have felt wrong and more than anything he wished that kissing Jamie could feel like he was kissing his brother; but it didn’t. Jamie kissed like he approached life—with purpose and confidence, entitlement and command. Teddy was momentarily lost in the sensation of Jamie’s lips against his own and he didn’t protest when James shifted and draped his body over his. A quiet whimper escaped Teddy and it was all that James needed to start a whirlwind of tossed bed sheets, cast off robes, and ripped open pajamas.

 

Teddy’s hands curled into Jamie’s hips and brought him close enough that it was impossible for either of them to recognize how perfectly they fit together. James was riding a high like he’d never felt in his life and he took everything in and greedily went back for more. He’d dreamt about this moment for so long that it almost didn’t seem real. Jamie’s heart was pounding in his ears and every inch of him was on fire. He clung to Teddy like a revered treasure and he didn’t even feel Teddy’s hands on his chest, pushing him gently away.

 

“Jamie, stop.” Teddy’s voice was meek and full of anguish and although James wanted nothing more than to ignore that voice, it still managed to paralyze him. “I can’t do this.” He added with a sad headshake and when he looked away, James died inside all over again, just like he had out in the moors two years before.

 

“Not again,” James said between a shaky sigh, and then he closed his eyes and dropped his forehead to rest against Teddy’s. He sounded defeated and angry that it hurt Teddy more than anything he’d ever felt in his life. He didn’t know how to be what James wanted him to be because he couldn’t be. He would never think that the things that Jamie wanted were not wrong, it was just the way it was and it killed him to know how much it would hurt James.

 

“What am I supposed to do?” Teddy pleaded helplessly, the words sticking in his throat. “What do you want from me?” He added, and then instantly regretted it.

 

Teddy wasn’t stupid, he was hyper-aware of what James wanted from him, he just couldn’t give it.

 

“You’re mine Teddy, why can’t you see that like I do?” James’ words were pained and frustrated. He lifted his head to peer down at Teddy and his fingers tightened in his hair, as if to reiterate the question.

 

“Jamie, this is wrong, you have to know that.” Teddy pleaded with James to see reason and when James scrambled off the bed and stormed out of the room only half dressed, Teddy’s heart sank. 

 

James slammed the door to Teddy’s office on his way out, taking little care to remain discreet. He stalked down the first floor corridor in a quiet rage, and when he reached the front entrance he quickly took the main staircase, two white steps at a time.  By the time he reached the seventh floor he was shaking with a fury that was barely contained. He knew that he had to get control over his emotions and fast; this was certainly no place to lose everything he had worked so hard to conceal. He could still taste Teddy’s kiss on his tongue and it twisted his heart so painfully that he cried out in pained anguish.

 

James didn’t return to the Gryffindor dorms that night, although he was present and accounted for at breakfast the next morning and looking none worse for the wear. 

 

No one would ever know what had transpired the night before in Teddy’s room except the one person who wished they didn’t, and despite it all, James was still determined to change that too.

 

                                                                   ∞

 

James is eighteen years old when he is signed to Puddlemere United, and although he hasn’t really spoken properly with Teddy since the kiss back at Hogwarts, he is still reluctant to leave. Over the last several months James has tried to give Teddy his space. He knows that epiphanies can often be a startling and unwelcome thing to a person, and so he had decided that Teddy needed time to come to terms with things. What James doesn’t know is that Teddy has been sick with guilt and fear since that kiss because he doesn’t know how to compartmentalize how the kiss made him feel alongside what he knows is wrong.

 

Teddy is relieved when he hears that Jamie will be leaving to join Puddlemere in Dorset because he thinks that if Jamie is far enough away, maybe they can both get over what had happened and get back to being _just_ god brothers. Out of sight out of mind, right? The only problem with Teddy’s theory is that he never counted on the fact that he might have actually enjoyed that kiss. Sometimes Teddy found himself thinking about that stolen moment in his rooms with Jamie despite his attempts to put it behind him. He couldn’t forget the way Jamie looked at him or how _right_ their bodies felt pressed together. Of course, immediately following such thoughts Teddy would mentally chastise himself for it and once again it would be pushed away…until the next time.

 

The first few months in Dorset were grueling and James honestly did not have nearly as much time to think about Teddy, as he would have liked. Despite his unhealthy obsession with his god brother, James was still a highly functioning member of society and worked hard to keep it that way. Most people would not understand him or why he was the way that he was, which facilitated a need to keep people pacified at arms length. 

 

It was the first Friday since his arrival that James was not utterly exhausted when one of his teammates suggested they hit one of the local pubs. James knew he should politely decline; alcohol made people messy and careless and he did not wish to gamble with his carefully constructed life in such a way.

 

Of course, over the years he had been known by those around him as flippant and reckless; the boy without a care who was the life of the party. What no one realized is that this is what he or she saw because it is what James desired him or her to see. Every single person that surrounded him or came into contact with him were considered pawns to be used. James had been born with the uncanny ability to manipulate with his charm and cheek and as he got older, he had perfected that ability. The closest members of his family had no idea that they were exactly where James wanted them and this gave him little to no remorse because he didn’t have it in him to feel guilty for his actions. In his mind, James was perfectly justified in his actions and his way was the _right_ way. He didn’t mind putting in the time and carefully constructing his own version of the world because he knew that the outcome would be worth it.

 

Gryffindor is merely a mask to be worn, when the need suits. Nothing more.

 

 

The pub in question turned out to be just as James suspected it would, and although he tried, his attempts to remain in control failed.

 

His casual outing with a teammate turned into a full on team celebration and before he knew it he was packed into a pub with the entire Puddlemere U staring and reserve lineups. A glass of ale of was shoved into his hands by another team member and James found that he had no choice but to play this game. One pint turned into three and then four and before James knew what hit him, he was drunk.

 

Except the sensation of being drunk felt a lot like kissing Teddy and he began to think that maybe alcohol had some validation after all. His tongue was sour from too much barley and his toes were tingling like they were asleep. The fog in his head was comforting and numbing and James couldn’t deny that he enjoyed the sensation quite a bit.  It was freeing to not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or showing too much and when he laughed about this fact his voice sounded foreign to his own ears.

 

James didn’t know it yet, but this moment would be the stepping stone that enabled everything that he’d worked for to fall apart.

 

James had no idea how he made it back to his dorm room but when he woke up fully clothed, atop his own bed the next morning, he was thankful for whoever had seen him home.  When he sat up he instantly regret it and clutched his head, wishing the throbbing was not so absolute. Every inch of him ached and he felt vaguely nauseous. He bent over and rested his elbows on his knees and shut his eyes, quietly willing the pain in his head to subside. There was a sudden tapping on his window that made him cringe and clamp his hands over his ears.  “Too loud,” He muttered as he stumbled to the window and unlatched it, allowing the barn owl to swoop inside and land neatly on the back of his chair. “Who’re you?” James asked the bird, who only hooted impatiently in response.

 

The letter was from Teddy, the familiar loopy script made James smile.

 

_James,_

_I don’t understand what you meant in_

_your last owl, but yes I will meet with you._

_I have a free afternoon this Saturday, if that_

_works for you. Say, 2pm at the Three_

_Broomsticks?_

_See you then,_

_Teddy_

James stared down at the parchment in his hand for a moment, suddenly wondering what he had gotten up to the night before. Apparently he had sent an owl off to Teddy, which begged the question, what else had he done?

 

 

It was much later when James caught up with a couple of his fellow teammates, who both looked rather pleased to see him up and about. He was curious about how much they remembered, considering he could recall nothing at all from the night before. What James managed to learn from the two other guys is that he had gotten spectacularly drunk and spent most of the night muttering about someone named Teddy. He had actually made a rather boring drunk, aside from the brief period of time when he confiscated a owl to send a note scrawled on a bar napkin clear to Scotland.

 

Which explained _that_ question.

 

James spent the rest of the afternoon lying on his bed trying to remember the night before. He could clearly picture the bar that he had been in, but most everything else had been a blur; even the face that had been attached to the hand that had gifted him his first pint was out of focus. In the end he chalked the experience up to a bad dream and dismissed it, instead choosing to focus on his upcoming meeting with Teddy.  If James could say nothing else for his night out with his teammates, at least he had gotten Teddy out of it.

 

By the time Saturday came around James was beside himself with anticipation. He left Dorset in plenty of time and actually arrived at the Three Broomsticks much earlier than intended. When Teddy entered just before 2pm James’ mouth curved into a grin.  Teddy caught his gaze and waved as he headed over, carefully sidestepping several patrons along the way. 

 

“Hey you,” James said as he watched Teddy slide into the booth seat directly across the table from him. “You look good.” He added with a smile.

 

“Good to see you, Jamie.” Teddy smiled nervously and took his seat, unsure of what to say next.

 

He had been apprehensive about meeting James here after receiving his peculiar owl and even though he could never truly deny Jamie, it was still more awkward than either one of them were accustomed to in each other’s presence.

 

“How’s school? Students not giving you too much of it I hope.” James seemed perfectly at ease to Teddy, which was a relief, if not a little odd considering their last interaction.

 

“Everything’s fine, the students are great, actually.” Teddy carded fingers through his hair nervously, unwittingly setting streaks of orange through the turquoise.

 

James arched a brow at Teddy’s hair and smirked, but said nothing, which did very little to set Teddy’s nerves at ease. “So, what was that strange owl about? Was it written on a napkin?” Teddy asked, in an attempt to shift the conversation to something neutral.

 

“Yeah,” James sad, chuckling lightly and shaking his head. “Sorry about that, I guess I was a little drunk when I sent that.”

 

Teddy nodded, suddenly understanding. “That would explain a lot, actually.”

 

“What did I say? I can’t quite remember everything.” James said without even the slightest hint of embarrassment.

 

“You don’t remember?” Teddy said, raising a doubtful brow.

 

“Not even a little bit.” James added with a grin, gaze still fixed on Teddy.

 

Teddy smiled and looked away, still feeling slightly awkward, despite the ease of their conversation. Even though it hadn’t _really_ been that long since he’d seen Jamie, he felt as if he had no idea who this version of his god brother was. They had both made so many mistakes and maybe James didn’t regret where it had landed them, but Teddy certainly did.

 

He missed Jamie, perhaps more than he was willing to admit.

 

“How’ve you been Jamie?” Teddy’s voice was softer this time, more intimate, and it made the corners of James’ mouth curve with a smile. 

 

“Dorset is brutal.” James replied simply, as if this small explanation encompassed everything.

 

Teddy nodded in understanding, knowing all too well how it felt to be removed from everything that was familiar to you and dumped into a grueling new regime. He sympathized with James, but he also knew that if anyone could handle it, Jamie could.

 

“Anything I can do to help?” The question left Teddy’s mouth before he could stop it and he instantly regretted it. They were having a perfectly normal reunion of sorts, the last thing that either one of them needed was a reminder of that mistake in Teddy’s rooms at Hogwarts the year before.

 

James’ may not have outwardly registered what Teddy had said, but that is not to say that he didn’t hear it or understand it’s meaning. He knew perfectly well what Teddy had been alluding to and it filled him with a sense of renewal that Teddy may have finally had that epiphany after all.

 

“Have a drink with me?” James’ reply was casual and filled with no underlying intent, at least not that Teddy could see.  “Of course.” He replied with a smile, and when James signaled the barkeep he silently hoped that he would not regret his decision.

 

                                                                     ∞

 

“Jamie, not here, someone might see us.” Teddy’s voice came in a breathy puff against James’ mouth and despite his attempt to be as quiet as possible, he was not entirely sure if he was succeeding or failing.

 

“You worry too much.” Jamie was not helping matters very much at all, and if Teddy had not been so piss drunk, he would have told him so directly to his face.

 

James had Teddy pressed up against the door inside the gents and the way his lips ghosted over Teddy’s throat made his eyes flutter and his pulse race. Teddy knew he was playing with fire. He knew that he should Take James by the shoulders and tell him that this could never happen, except he couldn’t move and so James continued assaulting his skin with deliciously deviant kisses that stung.  Teddy had no idea if it was the alcohol or his own subconscious desires that prevented him from bringing this situation to a halt and he knew that later he would want to smack himself for being so careless, but right now he didn’t fucking care.

 

“Can’t help it.” Teddy said between breathless giggles and when James pulled back enough to grin at Teddy, Teddy pulled him close and kissed him before he could think better of it.

 

 

James melted against Teddy and wound his arms so tightly around him that they could have been one entity. His kisses were like angel-soft reminders of Teddy’s love and every time Teddy’s tongue slid against his own he knew that he was finally home. Teddy tasted like stale beer and butterscotch squares and James couldn’t get enough of him.  His clung to Teddy because he was scared that it was all a dream and when Teddy broke the kiss with a panted breath, James smiled and closed his eyes and had never felt as loved as he did in that moment.

 

“Do you trust me?” James was looking at Teddy with that genuine expression again and he could only bite down on his bottom lip and nod his head. Teddy’s mind was a swirling vortex of conflicting emotions and he could hardly breath, much less form coherent sentences. Never before in his life had he ever felt as loved as he did when James looked at him. He wasn’t foolish enough to think this could ever work, but it didn’t change the fact that it excited him and made him want it all the more.

 

The white walls that surrounded them began to melt and fade away and Teddy had only a moment to find it a bit odd before he was being yanked away by a sick sensation in his abdomen.

 

Teddy was not entirely surprised when they were suddenly standing inside of a booked room at the Inn and before he could think to ask James why he had bothered taking a room, James was kissing him again and effectively sucking all of the coherent and warring thoughts right out of him along with his oxygen.

 

James had procured one of the vacant rooms above the Three Broomsticks during the time he spent awaiting Teddy’s arrival. It hadn’t been his intention to even let Teddy know he was staying; funny how things change.

 

James slowly worked each button of the shirt Teddy wore free of it’s silken hole, fingertips aching to touch the bare skin that was hidden away beneath. When he had successfully managed to free all of the buttons he parted the shirtfront and smoothed his hands over Teddy’s bare chest, slowly pushing the fabric over his shoulders and letting it slide off his arms to the floor. James’ breath caught in his throat and tears pricked the corners of his eyes as he leaned forward to press reverent kissed to Teddy’s steadily flushing skin. “You’re perfect,” He whispered softly, positively drunk on the soft whimpers that his touch elicited from the other.

 

When his fingers curled into the front of Teddy’s trousers James felt him stiffen slightly, and he smiled reassuringly. “I want to see you.” James’ words were little more than a whisper but it was enough to send a shiver of desire straight through him.  Teddy let his hands and his pretenses fall away and he stared at Jamie in rapt attention as he slid the fabric over his hips and let it fall to the floor.

 

James carefully laid Teddy down on the bed like a delicate doll, his own fully clothed body hovering just out of reach. He took his time worshiping every expanse of Teddy’s bared skin with fingertips, mouth and tongue, committing every taste and every elicited sensation to his permanent memory. Teddy was his greatest treasure finally returned to him and there was nothing or no one who could ever take that away from him now.

 

Never in his life had Teddy ever felt the way he did beneath James’ command. He’d had bed partners before, sure, but it had never been like _this._ This wasn’t just sex, this was love and worship on an entirely different level and Teddy was absolutely intoxicated with more than just liquor. James made him feel special and wanted and adored above everything else; all of the things that he had never been able to admit that he wanted. The way James touched him made him feel like the only person that James saw, and despite his reservations and his knowledge that this relationship could never work in the outside world, Teddy couldn’t stop now. He wanted everything James was willing to give him, at least for one night.

 

 

This is the night that changed everything, the countless threads in the tightly constructed fabric of James Potter’s life were coming coming unraveled.

 

By the time James returned to Dorset he was more at peace with the world around him than ever before. He felt as if all of his hard work and diligence had finally begun to pay off and that this was only the beginning.

 

Teddy returned to Hogwarts sore, sated, and still riding the highs of Jamie’s brand of love. He was still not a believer that theirs was a relationship that could work in the real world, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling every time he thought of Jamie. 

 

For the remainder of the season James kept his room booked at the Inn above the Three Broomsticks and he met Teddy there as often as their schedules would allow. Hogwarts was on the verge of letting out for summer vacation and Puddlemere United were getting ready to head out on the road as the season picked up. Teddy knew that this would be the last time they would likely spend together in their secret room, and he couldn’t help but wonder how that would affect both them both.

 

“Come on the road with me.” James had dropped the question on Teddy while they were lying in bed together; Jamie’s arm was draped around Teddy’s middle protectively and when he looked up at Teddy from beneath dark lashes, Teddy knew he was in trouble.

 

“You know I can’t. Besides, I’ll only be a distraction.” Teddy sighed softly and averted his gaze to the window. He watched as the curtain swayed back and forth with the soft summer breeze that reached in through the partially open pane of glass, and he wondered if their secret affair could ever be enough for either one of them.

 

“Jamie listen, you know I love you, and I love the time we’ve spent together here, but this can’t exist beyond these walls. You know that, don’t you?” Teddy propped his head up on his palm and peered down at James, who was shaking his head firmly.

 

“Please don’t leave me again.” James’ grip on Teddy tightened and he buried his face in the warm folds of Teddy’s neck. He had thought that this issue had been dissolved and yet here it was, resurfacing after all of the time they’d spent together. James felt small and unsettled and even though Teddy was beside him, he couldn’t help but feel terribly alone.

 

The crack in Jamie’s voice broke Teddy’s heart and all of that old familiar guilt came rushing back to the surface. He didn’t know what to say to Jamie that would make this okay. He had hoped that Jamie’s feelings would fade over time, but that didn’t seem to be the case at all. On the contrary, James seemed to have become more attached to Teddy, as they got older. He knew that what they had been doing for the better part of the school year had only exacerbated the situation, but Teddy was only human and he couldn’t help it if his fucked up sense of morals made him weak.

 

“Jamie, please. This is for the best.” Teddy sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingertips, wishing that there were an easier way to do this. James had fallen silent and he took that as his cue and he slowly disengaged from the body that was draped partially over him. He stumbled around the small room looking for his scattered articles of clothing, all the while strategically avoiding James’ gaze. 

 

When he had successfully slid back into his clothing he sighed quietly to himself and turned around to face Jamie, who was curled up in the center of the bed where Teddy had left him.  Jamie’s gaze was out of focus and his lips were moving without sound, silently repeating a mantra that Teddy could not hear. 

 

“You’re mine.”

The hardest thing that Teddy ever had to do was walk out of that room that he had secretly shared with Jamie and although he knew that the damage was irreparable, he couldn’t bring himself to stay. No one would understand their relationship, not the outside world and certainly not their families. The one thing that Teddy never dared ask himself is if _he_ could understand their relationship because he was scared of what he might find out if he was honest with himself. James was his brother and nothing more; this was for the best.

 

                                                                       ∞

 

James was in shock.

 

That s what he told himself as he lie on the bed beside the small white pillow that still smelled like Teddy. Everything he had worked so hard for had just walked out the door and his entire world was crumbling all around him. He couldn’t breath or think, he couldn’t even cry, he was just…numb. The pain that James felt inside was far worse than anything he’d ever experienced before and it tore at him in ways that could not be repaired.

 

He had no idea how long he lay there in that bed, staring at nothing and dreaming of something that did not exist. The room slowly shifted from day to night and the air turned cold and still he did not move. He felt paralyzed and helpless and completely incapable of finding his way out of the situation. When Teddy walked out that door he had taken the foundation that held up the barriers of James’ sanity with him, and with it, James was helpless.

 

By the time the sun was peeking over the horizon again, James knew what he had to do. Teddy loved him, he was certain of it, he just needed to be shown that there was nothing to be afraid of is all. James could not accept Teddy’s rejection because in his mind it was not real.

 

Some people call this the first stage of grief but James likes to call it forcible persuasion.

 

Once he had a solid plan in his mind James found that it was much easier to function. The anxiety that often consumed him took a backseat to preparation and control, which were both much easier to shield from the outside world.

 

James knew that Teddy would be leaving Hogwarts for the summer the following day, and by then he would be ready to make him understand.

 

                                                                       ∞

 

Teddy had purposely lingered in his office the last day of school because he wasn’t in the mood to ride the Hogwart’s Express with the students. He took his time packing up his lesson plans and everything that he thought he might require for the summer break and by the time he was finished, the castle was unusually quiet. He was just preparing to lock up his office when he heard a familiar voice behind him. 

 

James had walked right onto the grounds of Hogwarts without so much as a raised eyebrow from anyone he passed. He walked down the path towards the castle with purpose, empowered with the idea that no one could stop him from getting what he wanted. When he stepped inside the vacant castle he smirked to himself and headed down the corridor towards Teddy’s office. Teddy was just stepping out as James walked up and his breath caught in his throat and his heart swelled inside his chest.

 

“Hello Teddy.” James said as he stepped up behind him, hands clasped behind his back and smile still firmly in place.

 

Teddy rounded on James and stared wide-eyed at him, obviously caught off guard by his presence.  “What are you doing here, James? Shouldn’t you be in Dorset?”

 

“Change of plans.” James replied casually and shrugged a shoulder, still smiling. “Can we talk for a minute?”

 

Teddy knew that this was a bad idea. Him and James alone in closed spaces was never good for either one of them, but after everything that had happened he simply couldn’t bring himself to say no to James.  “Alright, but make it quick, I have a train to catch.” Teddy unlocked his office and opened the door for James, who stepped inside.

 

James paused by one of the chairs on the opposite side of Teddy’s desk; the ones reserved for students or visitors. He watched as Teddy shut the door and rounded the desk to his own chair and had a seat.

 

“So what do you want to talk about?” Teddy asked, both brows rising up curiously.

 

“Do you love me, Teddy?” James tilted his head to the side as he spoke, genuinely curious.

 

“Jamie, please. Just stop.” Teddy shook his head and looked away because he wasn’t in any way prepared for another mentally draining explanation of all of the reasons they were a bad idea.

 

“Answer the question.” James seemed unfazed by Teddy’s negative reaction and merely stood where he had stopped, wearing that same peculiar smile that was far too mellow to be complacent.

 

Teddy sighed and looked away, suddenly wishing he had opted for the train packed with students. “Jamie, don’t.” Teddy sounded defeated and he couldn’t even look at James, which is why he didn’t see James unclasp his hands from behind his back and point his wand at him.

 

“Fine. Have it your way, Teddy.” James sounded genuinely displeased and when Teddy lifted his gaze he was not at all prepared for what  happened next.

 

Never let it be said that James Potter was not quick with a wand. He may have coasted through all seven years of schooling, but he had clearly picked up a thing or two along the way. With just a few simple flicks of his wrist Teddy had been relieved of his wand and bound to his office chair; all before he could even put up a fight.

 

“James, what are you doing?” Teddy asked, more confused than anything else. He hadn’t any reason to actually fear James... _yet._

 

“We tried it your way Teddy, now it’s my turn.” James said casually, as if it were any other normal conversation. He turned away from Teddy to cast locking and silencing charms on the doors; not that they’d be needed—The castle was emptied out nearly to the point of extinction by this point.

 

It was at this precise moment that the first threads of fear began working their way inside Teddy’s mind. He wasn’t sure if it was the tone of Jamie’s voice or the casual indifference that he projected as he spoke, but there was no mistaking it; Teddy was scared.

 

“You don’t have to do it this way.” Teddy’s voice was cracking with his fear of the unknown and it delighted James just enough that he managed a soft, close-lipped chuckle.

 

“It’s better this way, you’ll see.” James smiled at him from his side of the desk and when he struggled against his bonds to test their reliability, he laughed again.

 

James circled around to Teddy’s side of the desk and slowly wheeled his chair out enough that he could lift a leg over and straddle his lap. Again Teddy struggled and James’ hands carded reverently through his hair before twisting it painfully in his grasp. “You’re so pretty when you struggle.” He whispered, leaning close enough that his lips ghosted against Teddy’s cheek.

 

“Please stop this.” Teddy whispered in a voice that sounds more like a nervous whimper.

 

Teddy’s pupils were blown out wide and the color of aubergine, which made James’ pulse quicken. He had decided that he liked seeing teddy this way and he reasoned that, in the very least, Teddy couldn’t leave him now.

 

“Don’t you see Teddy, I can’t.” James traced over Teddy’s collarbone with a fingertip and dipped it slowly inside the hollow well of his jugular notch. “I love you Teddy, do you love me?” James lifted his other hand and rested them both loosely at the base of Teddy’s neck.  When Teddy didn’t immediately answer, James sighed and tightened his grip just enough that the pads of his thumbs pressed up firmly against his vocal chords. Again James asked his question, only this time he forced Teddy’s head to the side and nuzzled against his jaw.  “Don’t you love me too?”

 

Teddy knew that he was in trouble and each minute that ticked past felt like an eternity. He had never seen James like this before and although he was fairly certain that Jamie would never hurt him, a small part of him had already begun to doubt that theory. 

 

James clucked under his throat and shook his head, his gaze never leaving Teddy’s, even as his eyes began to bulge and turn red. James continued to watch him, utterly transfixed by the subtle changes that were taking place. Tiny little blood vessels were popping in the whites of Teddy’s eyes and James thought he could hear each one as it capsulated and tore open. A strangled cry escaped Teddy’s throat and it made Jamie shiver in delight because he knew that there was no one else in the entire world who could draw a sound like _that_ out of Teddy Lupin, not even that bitch, Victoire.

 

Teddy was shaking beneath him and the magical ropes that bound his wrists together were cutting pretty marks into his delicate flesh. Jamie’s eyes moved over him, greedily taking it all in and when Teddy had finally accepted his love for Jamie, he was still.  “I love you too,” James whispered as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Teddy’s lips that were tinged slightly blue.  Teddy was his greatest treasure and he had finally come home to stay.

A movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he turned towards the wall of Teddy’s office, which appeared to be bleeding white paint.  James sighed and wrapped his arms around Teddy’s bruised neck, nuzzling against him as thick white paint began to seep down from the ceiling and devour the walls.

 

“But I did it right this time.” James said, shaking his head sadly as white paint slowly began to overtake the floor.  “I did it right, he can’t leave me now!” James stood up and took a step back as the paint inched closer to him, head shaking in disbelief and tears springing up in the corners of his eyes.  “I did it right!” He said again, and then he cried out as the paint moved over Teddy’s stilled feet and inched up his trouser legs.  “Stop it, he’s mine! He’s mine!” James tugged at his hair as he backed away from the paint and when his backside hit the wall he turned himself to the corner and covered his eyes.

 

“He’s mine! He’s mine! He’s mine!”  James sobbed into the corner and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to wake up from this nightmare. 

 

This couldn’t be happening.

 

It couldn’t.

 

                                                                    ∞

 

“James?”

 

“James, can you hear me?”

 

“It’s okay James, you’re safe now.”

 

James was still pressed firmly into the corner of Teddy’s office when an unfamiliar voice spoke from somewhere behind him. At first he was afraid to move or open his eyes; he couldn’t bear to see Teddy taken away from him one more time. It was safer here, where he could shut the world out.

 

“James, can you hear me?”  Again the voice spoke and James’ brow furrowed as he tried to place it. The voice sounded vaguely familiar somehow, like perhaps it belonged to someone he’d known in another life, but he couldn’t put a face or a name to it. 

 

When the silence became too much James opened an eye just a fraction, experimentally. The brightness that instantly flooded his blurred vision was too much and he hissed and squeezed his eye shut again.

 

“It’s okay James, you can open your eyes.” This time the voice was accompanied by a hand on his arm that felt cold and stiff.

 

Again James opened his eyes except this time, instead of shutting them immediately, he squinted and tried to make out his surroundings. The first thing he noticed is that every surface was white. The second thing he noticed was that he was no longer inside Teddy’s office at Hogwarts.  James frowned as he turned slowly away from the corner, scanning the sterile room in disbelief.  “Where am I”? James asked, mouth hanging open.

 

“St. Mungo’s. Hospital.” The voice belonged to an older gentleman who was wearing Healer’s robes and smiling at James.

 

“How did I get here?” James asked, taking a step _away_ from the man.

 

“You’ve been here for some time, James.”

 

“What do you mean? Where’s Teddy?”

 

“James, if you just calm down, we can talk about it.”

 

James felt like the walls were closing in on him and he shrank back against them, cowering on the floor and hugging his knees. He didn’t understand what was happening or where he was and he couldn’t catch his breath. His wild-eyed gaze darted around the small white room frantically, searching for a means of escape; anything that would assist him in getting away from this man.

 

Before James had a chance to move at all, two men had entered and were now flanking him on either side, lifting him up off the ground. James struggled against them and fought to get away, so preoccupied with resisting that he never saw the healer’s wand flick gently in his direction.

Suddenly James felt very warm and drowsy and the last thing he wanted to do was fight. He could feel his bones turning to jelly inside his body and he sagged against his captors as they helped him to the bed and fastened protective straps around his arms and legs that would keep him in place.  The last thing James saw before he closed his eyes again was a small circle of light on the ceiling above; a reflection that looked like a ring of truth.

 

 

                                                                         ∞

 

_“I don’t understand, is that even possible?”_

_“Lucidity has always been a possibility, Mrs. Potter, he has simply not shown signs of capability before today.”_

_“You’re saying he was actually here, in the present?”_

_“Yes. James could see me and could recognize that he was not where he had been before waking.”_

_“What does this mean, Healer Shaw?”_

_“At this point, I cannot say, but I am hopeful that he might remain present, where he can be properly treated.”_

_“Can we see him?”_

_“Of course.”_

 

Ginny and Harry Potter stepped inside a private room within the Janus Thickey Ward within St. Mungo’s Hospital with their hands clasped tightly together, both wearing the same exact nervous expression.

 

Their oldest son, James, had been a permanent resident here since he was six years old, after a horrific accident at their home in Godric’s Hollow. James had been at home with his mother and his two siblings at the time of the incident, having been found in the sitting room of the families’ modest two-story home covered in blood. The nature of the situation has never been discovered, although James’ parents have their theories. James was a happy child in a seemingly perfect home; there really was no proper explanation for what he did. Of course, there was speculation that his mother was to blame. It was, after all, her carelessness that allowed the child to obtain the shears that were labeled as the murder weapon.  The shocking crime rocked the sleepy suburban town and it is still widely publicized to this day. 

 

James’ parents stand on either side of their son’s bed and peer down at his restrained form with sadness and regret and maybe just a little bit of guilt in their eyes.

 

Harry is holding out hope that his son will be okay. He has so many questions and even more regrets, but what he has the most of is love. He has no idea why this has happened to his family or why he had to lose two sons that day, but he has hope, and he hopes it is enough. 

 

Ginny doesn’t have hope because she already knows what is wrong with James. She knows that this is her fault and that her son’s psychosis is a direct result of her carelessness with her unborn first child. She carries herself through every new day for her husband and for her daughter, and every night she weeps for the two sons that she lost. Unlike her husband, she hopes her son never wakes up because she knows that wherever it is that James lives, he is happy.

 

 


End file.
